100s

I got to swim today. And I was feeling pretty adventurous so I decided to forgo my usual steady paced 1000 yds (20 laps) or my even slower paced mile swim (36 laps) and instead I set out to do sprints. 

Ok, so I have never swam competitively and in fact I was not even remotely in-shape or athletically inclined until around 2002 when I joined the YMCA as a way to work through my first phase of acknowledgement and treatment of Dissociative symptoms. 

By the time I met and started dating my wonderful wife, in January of 2006, I had worked up to swimming 3x/week and running about 4 miles 2x/week. I had run so many 5k races I literally have no idea how many I did, and I had run about 10 10k races (my closet was bursting w/ those t-shirts you get from each race).  And I was playing indoor and beach volleyball w/ a recreation league. I never won a race outright (my best finish was 19th). Although I did have the cool experience of spiking a championship winning kill shot in an indoor volleyball tournament [funny DID note, I wasn't even aware of the score of the game and I didn't 'get it' right away that I had just won our team the championship]. Here's my point: sports and exercise has been more about the quality of the experience, and focusing on doing a good serve, a good flip-turn, a good push at the last 100 yds of a run, than about the score. I find a rhythm well within my limits and stick to it. 

So today was unusual in that I decided to really push myself. In a 25yd pool like at the YMCA, swimming 100s means up & back 2x (Its on my bucket-list to one day swim in a 50 meter pool like the Olympic athletes, just to see how I do).  I was going like gang-busters at first. I copied the flip-turn style of the Olympian swimmers and delayed righting myself after kicking off the wall and I even incorporated the underwater dolphin kick for a bit before breaking the surface into my freestyle stroke (the stoke I do 95% of the time). After a set I would catch my breath for almost a minute and go again. Holy crap that wears you out !!  By the third set I was dragging and by the end of the fourth set I had to change my breathing to every stroke to finish the last length. I had to break for a bit more between the 4th and 5th sets because I had my heart rate up to 200 bpm which is pushing it. Then it hit me that I had forgotten to eat lunch and all of this physical effort done around 3:30 in the afternoon was fueled by only a bagel w/ peanut-butter & honey which I had for breakfast [another funny DID note, forgetting to eat!]. So if I do 100 sprints again I'll make a personal note to eat and hydrate well before I set out.

It felt so good to push my body and to realize I AM STILL ALIVE and I MADE IT THROUGH and my body had the gasping-for-breath and a sore left shoulder to prove it.

So what’s my point? Its Simple, I just realized ... I have a story to tell ... That's it.  

But in a world dominated by my dissociative symptoms, where I feel so behind and feel so immature and feel so unable to share what my weekend really was like ... its nice to have something to share when I go back to work on Monday. Because I'm sure not going to share about the nightmare that woke me up early this morning, or share about how I worry that I responded to another DID blog with a very lengthy comment and I hope I didn't come off as selfish, or share about how one of my parts (Montreal) has decided to communicate in a near perfect British accent and that I was amazed at how I could switch from my usual southern drawl so effortlessly.

Hello 3.0 Meet My System ** May Trigger **

A List of My Parts and their roles, beliefs & needs.
 
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(Comments Welcomed)

Yardwork + Dogs' Baths + Housework = Tired.

I hope all the weekend activity will allow me to fall asleep and stay asleep.  

I was conversing w/ Montreal* and other parts while mowing the grass. So in my funny little way I do try to attend to my inner world. It took over 2hrs in the heat and humidity to finish our back & front yards bc I have to mow around bushes, gardens, ect. I must have sweat off like 4lbs. Earlier in the day my wife gave each of our three dogs a bath, while I helped corral them and dried them off. I firmly believe dogs have souls. 

Had to referee an argument between step-daughter and her mother (basic teenage-girl backtalk stuff). I really don't like & struggle w/ being around conflict but I can see that I am getting a little better at being appropriately assertive vs. just checking out and going into my deer-in-the-headlights mode.  I started vacuming the house and my wife offered to help and ... I let her help!  Whew; I am Tired & Thirsty. Time to get some water and then go to bed.  *I have a couple of days off this week so maybe I'll have a chance to introduce 'everyone'.

Silence

Just a moment of silence for victims, families, law-enforcement & medical first-responders, associated with the Aurora, Colorado event.

The 1-Second Bliss of Flip-Turns

Yea ... I got to swim today after work-then-therapy! I did 1000 yds (20 laps) and a few of my flip-turns were magical things of beauty ... I absolutely adore that 1-second in time when I am looking up the surface of the water from upside down ... I can't explain why and none of my parts can either, but that 1-second of upside-down-looking-up perspective is like when I get to let every care and worry go and just 'be'. Then I kick off the wall and right myself and its another 25yds of rhythmic strokes and breathing from each side until ... Yea I get to do another flip-turn.  btw I have never swam competitively, but I have taken Advance Lifesaving a few x.

Sad Little-J gets his Tweet erased

I felt 'Little' and Sad much of today. I started a tweet about my 'Little-J' feeling disappointed that we couldn't afford Inpt or IOP bc Little-J really wanted to be able to come out and be free from observing family or co-workers to 'be little' and talk .. at one point I wrote what Little-J said "No ones coming to help, are they?" but I erased my tweet and didn't send it. I reeled in those Little-J thoughts and feelings as I  realized my family needs me to be an adult since my 14y stepdaughter is struggling w/ completing her (summer) school work (bc she failed Spanish) and if not closely supervised (by a Confrontational adult), she will smile and lie about completing work which she hasn't touched. 

So once again I am in a family system where I have to shut down and not share my own thoughts and feelings in order to keep the status-quo and shield the other family members from the weight of my story. I almost (in a weird way) wish I was not so co-conscious and could just go and have my mini-break down. But nope, I keep on moving and trying not to upset anyone else w/ my own issues and needs.


I finished the Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation (MID) today. It has over 200 questions and seemed more comprehensive and less vague than the DES-II which I attempted earlier in the week.


So, I am left questioning, ever questioning ... did I do the healthy thing and "regulate my emotions" or did I ignore (again) a Sad, and too-patient Little Boy by robbing him of his voice when I erased my tweet? 

I haven't swam since the weekend; quite sucky. 


Time to get ready for bed. 

Techno Dancing with My Brains & DID Instruments

More strategic stuff in therapy today. I took the Dissociative Experiences Scale DES-II, what a sucky measurement instrument! It seemed like I had execeptions-to-the-rule for every ambiguous frustrating question. No wonder this diagnosis is mocked by so many. 

Starting late last week, I have been intrigued by the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza, I am intrigued by his discussion of the 3 kinds of Brains we all have. Last week in therapy I clarified more of the map of my parts and their roles & themes. My therapist wisely noted my parts seemed to be aligned w/ either the left or right brain hemispheres. But I am taking that a step further and pondering which parts/levels of my brain my parts are associated w/ the "Thinking", "Limbic-FEELING", and "Autonomic-Reptillian-FREEZE-Response" brains. I believe that my experiences of abuse were improperly sensated, emoted, and left w/out much for the frontal cortex to derive meaning and direction from.  So I now believe that in order to make progress I will need to return to the FEELINGS of my parts and the FREEZE (helplessness).

Over this past weekend, on Netflix I discovered a video of a Deadmau-5 concert. I Love Techno Music .. its like an ADHD kid's dream w/ the music & light show.  And Yes - even though I am closer to 50 than 40, I still hopped & danced in our living room since my wife was at work and my stepdaughter was at her biological dad's house. That's a kinda cool thing about DD-NOS/DID, you still get to have "kid-fun".

Saturday I swam w/out counting laps. How awesome to be buoyant and moving but w/out having to meet any expectation of numbers. It was what I call a good "Right Brain" swim. After a short break I did 1-lap sprints, but again I wasn't watching my times .. I was just enjoying being alive in my body, in the water. 

Tomorrow I will do an internet search for other measures for Dissociative Sx and Complex PTSD.