Thursday, July 12, 2012

Acceptance, Details and Strategy

Therapy today was about a strategy session. (a) what is going on re: the debt front (b) assessing just how much are my Sx interfering in everyday life (c) is a higher level of care (which would be quite an expense) the best option (d) how to best proceed w/ the given $ limitations (e) acceptance.  

It has been one challenging year. About this time last year my therapist and I were working on preparing me to return to my home town for my Grandmother's 100th birthday. Family & friends were coming from all over the country. I had been anxious for months ahead of time bc my grandmother's party would be held at the very same church where ... I had many, many bad experiences.

It was good for my therapist to review w/ me what I have experienced w/in this past year. I have had increased nightmares. Times when I was so tired from not sleeping that driving to & from work was scary.  Times when my work productivity sucked so bad I had to disclose some of my trauma Hx to preserve my job.  Times when I would sit at my desk and feel "Little" and have to stare at my computer until I remembered what the next step was supposed to be and to re-re-re-check my work to ensure I hadn't missed anything. Times when my father-in-law's behavior needed to be confronted-which was triggering. This whole year of the Jerry Sandusky arrest, trial testimony and now the scandal of wilful disregard by Penn State administrators has impacted me more than I thought possible. Especially in light of the disregard I received from the church leadership when I reached out w/ my story. And here more lately, times when I have been more aware of switches and changes w/in my system. "Rolodexing" as another DID blogger I follow would describe it.

Acceptance ... accepting that I thought I had put all this behind me (like 10 freaking years ago) but that it never was completely resolved. Back 10 years ago, I didn't blog but I wrote extensively for almost a year in a journal. I wrote piece after piece on my feelings in a forum called The Wounded Healer Journal and another forum MaleSurvivor. I learned about DID and dialogued w/ parts, I wrote about my anxiety, my anger, my developing self-esteem. And I moved on w/ my life.  I spoke in therapy today remembering (w/ some level of grief) about how when I first met and dated my wonderful, beautiful-heart wife in 2006, it was if I never had a traumatic past at all.

Acceptance ... accepting that I am not doing so well. Accepting that even though I appeared to have made significant progress towards integration ... my parts are back and w/ a heightened urgency to each perform their roles and to move me towards an epic battle w/ my past.  I don't like fighting and I view violence as a sign of weakness (bc you failed to out-smart your opponent). But the storm clouds are gathering and I must accept that in order to move forward, I have to go backwards into my DD-NOS system to summon my 'team' for the coming confrontation with whatever each part has held on to-so I could go on and function.

Acceptance ... accepting that what I endured, what caused my brain to form completely separated neural networks for the images and emotions I was subjected to - was pretty F'd up. 

Acceptance ...accepting that I am still alive and even though I may be slower, less emotionally mature, less financially stable, that I have the kind of resilience that made my therapist's jaw drop as she began to get more of the details from my journal. I read a section of my journal from 2002 about how my system has organized itself around protecting me from the details of a series of specific events. When I looked up from reading my therapist appeared ashen and emoting from some of the content. My 'Dr. J' part was forward at the time so to me, it was just clinical data. But somewhere inside I knew I should appreciate the magnitude of what I endured and what I have managed to accomplish (and avoid) in spite of my childhood.

So the plan is to up the frequency of sessions to 2x/week for a short time. And to begin exploring some augmented EMDR as a means of letting 'Little J' share his stories and his damned up emotions. Even though I have an abusive part, I know what it's agenda is and I can see through it's manipulative messages, and so I have no concerns about safety or irresponsible behavior. I am not letting that Gdamn priest steal my present or my future from me. 

Acceptance ... accepting that I will most likely have nightmares tonight which I will not remember much of (If I'm lucky) when I wake up. Accepting as I realize I didn't minimize anything in therapy today, nor did I try to over-intellectualize or let 'Zen' put some spin on it. Nope, I shared my honest history and concerns about my future. And since the whole point of Dissociation is "Anywhere But Here" talking about myself in a manner so 'unedited', for me was pretty F'ing courageous.

That's plenty for now.


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