I felt 'Little' and Sad much of today. I started a tweet about my 'Little-J' feeling disappointed that we couldn't afford Inpt or IOP bc Little-J really wanted to be able to come out and be free from observing family or co-workers to 'be little' and talk .. at one point I wrote what Little-J said "No ones coming to help, are they?" but I erased my tweet and didn't send it. I reeled in those Little-J thoughts and feelings as I realized my family needs me to be an adult since my 14y stepdaughter is struggling w/ completing her (summer) school work (bc she failed Spanish) and if not closely supervised (by a Confrontational adult), she will smile and lie about completing work which she hasn't touched.
So once again I am in a family system where I have to shut down and not share my own thoughts and feelings in order to keep the status-quo and shield the other family members from the weight of my story. I almost (in a weird way) wish I was not so co-conscious and could just go and have my mini-break down. But nope, I keep on moving and trying not to upset anyone else w/ my own issues and needs.
I finished the Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation (MID) today. It has over 200 questions and seemed more comprehensive and less vague than the DES-II which I attempted earlier in the week.
So, I am left questioning, ever questioning ... did I do the healthy thing and "regulate my emotions" or did I ignore (again) a Sad, and too-patient Little Boy by robbing him of his voice when I erased my tweet?
I haven't swam since the weekend; quite sucky.
Time to get ready for bed.