I felt 'Little' and Sad much of today. I started a tweet about my 'Little-J' feeling disappointed that we couldn't afford Inpt or IOP bc Little-J really wanted to be able to come out and be free from observing family or co-workers to 'be little' and talk .. at one point I wrote what Little-J said "No ones coming to help, are they?" but I erased my tweet and didn't send it. I reeled in those Little-J thoughts and feelings as I realized my family needs me to be an adult since my 14y stepdaughter is struggling w/ completing her (summer) school work (bc she failed Spanish) and if not closely supervised (by a Confrontational adult), she will smile and lie about completing work which she hasn't touched.
So once again I am in a family system where I have to shut down and not share my own thoughts and feelings in order to keep the status-quo and shield the other family members from the weight of my story. I almost (in a weird way) wish I was not so co-conscious and could just go and have my mini-break down. But nope, I keep on moving and trying not to upset anyone else w/ my own issues and needs.
I finished the Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation (MID) today. It has over 200 questions and seemed more comprehensive and less vague than the DES-II which I attempted earlier in the week.
So, I am left questioning, ever questioning ... did I do the healthy thing and "regulate my emotions" or did I ignore (again) a Sad, and too-patient Little Boy by robbing him of his voice when I erased my tweet?
I haven't swam since the weekend; quite sucky.
Time to get ready for bed.
I think that it is important for all of your parts to be able to share their thoughts and feelings if they want to. Have you considered any alternative options for Little J to be able to share?
ReplyDeleteI don't have any kids. My family consists of myself, my husband, and my dog, but I do have a busy adult life. I have to work and keep on top of adult responsibilities at home. I actually have to carve time into my schedule where parts can express themselves safely. Be it drawing, writing, or listening to music.
Sometimes, on rare occasions, we get to do something like go to a movie or walk/shop around the mall (although that happens much less frequently).
Anyways, I hope he gets an opportunity to share, in some way! All of you deserves to be heard.
-Nel