0.166666667 mpn

Long weekend. But I got to swim today! I went back to my slow and steady pace this time and I swam a mile (36 laps) in one set. Before leaving for the YMCA, I ate 6 Fig Newtons ... that comes out to 0.166666667 miles-per-Newton. I'm such a geek, but I can be happy w/ that.

Space: The Final Frontier

In the past few days, my Wifey and stepDaughter have been out of town. And I've had some time to myself off from work.  

S P A C E 

• Space to walk around the house and converse out loud with all my parts. 
• Space to get Dolphin out of the trunk of my car so Little-J can see him.
• Space to let Zen sort together more of what my parts thoughts and feelings mean in the big picture of my healing.
• Space to let Jeff make Blueberry pancakes w/ whipped cream, watch Japanese Anime and highlights of the Olympic swimming.
• Space to leave the seat up ... a special privilege which any guy who lives in a house of females can understand  :) 
• Space to be a total geek and let Dr-J have some time to watch endless Netflix and YouTube videos on TED talks, Antarctic Ice Melting, Dolphin Behavior, Electric Cars, Extra-Solar-Earth-Like Planets, Algorithms and Massive Ocean-Crossing Container Ships.
• Space to let Chris turn out all the lights in the house and watch a Deadmau5 concert and let Montreal have a "Doggie Dance-Party" w/out enduring my stepDaughter's teenaged eye-rolls at how lame and embarrassing I am, or my wifey's odd looks about how I am such a poor dancer [its true, I dance like I'm having a seizure, but I can accept that, why can't anyone else]. I'm listening to Tiesto music as I type this. And bopping around in my chair.
• Space to walk around, look at the wedding & family pictures in our house and appreciate out loud how much I love and am grateful for my family. 
• Space to eat Chips-&-Salsa with breakfast.
• Space to let Mature-J vacuum out, wash & wax my car.
• Space to let Jeff pace around the house w/out Wifey asking "Did you take your [ADHD] medicine today?"
• Space to get a six-pack of Hardees/Red-Buritto tacos and enjoy them w/ a  beer for lunch.
• Space to let Montreal enjoy that looking up at the surface of the water from upside down moment as I do flip turns in the pool. 

God knows I have needed this SPACE for months and I could use a few more days of it. My father-in-law is losing his battle w/ cancer and Wifey is naturally very upset. So I feel like I've needed to drink-in this time because once my beloved family returns. I will need to be a strong support for Wifey, and I say that w/ a spirit of empathy and responsibility. Time to get back to my list of cleaning up things before Wifey and stepDaughter arrive back home. I Love them so, so much. And although the moment will be somber when they arrive, I am looking forward to hugging and supporting Wifey.

Augmented EMDR & the Doctor is IN

I've been outta touch for a couple of days, but I want to try and capture what my therapy session was like last Thursday. 

My therapist said this was a good opportunity to begin to do some parts work.

My therapist wanted to try some augmented Eye-Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) and my Zen part decided that Little-J & Montreal (6 year old twins) would not have enough time in a 60 minute session to open up and say what they needed to say and then have to abruptly shut down so that I could safely drive home. We scheduled some 90-minute sessions in the future so the twins could know they'll have their time and they aren't being overlooked.

It was pretty fascinating to me and my therapist how I was able to have this 'team meeting' in my mind. Co-Consciousness is a gift if tethered to some sense of direction, otherwise co-consciousness is like being a substitute teacher thrown into a kindergarten class of hyperactive children. And that sense of direction is what I have been needing for as long as I have been in treatment.

Anyway, whether by default or design Dr-J got to talk. Now, Dr-J is the part of me who is pretty close to my core self and who is in the driver's seat at work. Also, Dr-J is the part of me that in the past I have presented to my past therapists, so that our discussions would be more like 'shop talk' on clinical perspectives and theories, rather than to go into the scary world of emotions. This is why at almost 48 years old, I am still dealing with past traumas, bc Dr-J stealthfully deflected the previous therapists' questions about feelings and spun every other therapist's comment into some intellectualized response while name-dropping some author or study. None of the other therapists were wise enough to get it that there was a change the subject at all costs program running in my mind.

I believe my Dr-J part was born out of my experiences of cutting school to get away from being called out, humiliated and hit ... and instead of cutting school to get high or getting into other trouble, I would take refuge in the public library and I would get a stack of books and find an isolated seat and read & read, trying to learn how to make sense of this world I was in. And so learning about everything became paramount as means of self-soothing and also as a means of giving my mind something to do besides be aware of the present-moment. 

At first my therapist was going pretty much by the EMDR playbook and asking me goals* questions and Subjective Units of Distress (SUDS) estimations while she was filling out some form. *Well its pretty tough to answer goals questions when the answers could be coming from eight or so part's perspectives, and I have no idea who will actually show up and talk ... Dissociative Disorders are not like some county fair freak-show, where you can puts parts on display on your command. More likely (for me anyway) everybody shows up all at once.

Dr-J who is very pragmatic just blurted out (something which "I" would probably not be so bold to do) "Why don't you just ask me what its like to be me?"

So the process was the therapist would do a round of the finger movements across my field of vision, to get the bilateral component (activating both hemispheres of the brain) of the EMDR going. 

And so indeed my therapist asked "What is it like to be You?"
...  and I acknowledge I may be rambling here, but I can't seem to capture the significance of this moment for me ... I have been having the thoughts, moods and behaviors of my parts for years & years and here was like the first time I was being given a chance to be whichever part, without having to filter myself. In fact the un-filtering of my emotions and thoughts will be what breaks the dam and facilitates my healing from years of keeping things to myself to make others less uncomfortable, or to avoid conflict and violence.

At one point I said that Little-J & Montreal were 'watching' this whole process and so I paused, got my stuffed "Dolphin" [that's his name] out of my backpack and held Dolphin as a way to acknowledge my twins, even as I resumed Dr-J.  So if you summarized the content of what Dr-J said in between rounds of EMDR here's what came out of the session.

I heard a part of myself saying things which were surprising. Dr-J acknowledged missing a woman I had dated in the past who literally had a genius IQ (> 170)  bc Dr-J missed the deep and educational conversations we had. Dr-J discussed feeling bored in my current circumstances and frustrated bc there are so many things to learn about and explore, and yet I am unable to afford even the gas money to drive to a book club meeting or some interesting speaking/networking event. And Dr-J voiced wariness of my Zen's part "New Age'ie" positivism.  In fact, to me Dr-J came off as kind of 'snooty' at times. But Zen reminded me that was Dr-J's defense against getting too emotionally close.

And the odd thing is that I voiced my awareness that Zen was 'watching' this and was not offended by Dr-J, instead Zen could see how my life had been directed towards emotional healing and now was more balanced than just 'hoarding data' to avoid feelings. I owe that increased emotional balance to my beautiful heart Wifey. She is indeed a wonderful example in being free with her whole range of feelings. So as I begin to be more aware of my own feelings by watching her, I am more animated, agitated and anxious bc of her. I had to stifle a hell of a lot in my earlier life. 

My therapist was amazed and said she had a hunch that a lot of Dr-J's comments and frustrations had been brewing for awhile but "I" had not allowed myself to let loose and voice my feelings. 

We ended the session with my therapist suggesting that I try to find some kind of outlet for my need to learn and experience knowledgeable things. 

Amazing

Amazing -     How can we the human race, manage to form a team of creative individuals who worked together to do the immense mathematical calculations, engineering, electronics, construction and launching of a robot vehicle precisely timed to arrive at another planet in it's own orbit, millions of kilometres away 
. . . manage to also promote violence, greed, intolerant religiosity, and taking advantage of vulnerable children with a mockery of empathy and 'treatment' by the lowest bidder?  We all as humans are more similar than dis-similar, no matter how we experience 'God' or how our culture is different;  we all have to share this world. 

Nonetheless, I was almost brought to tears as I watched and re-re-watched the footage of the Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) team celebrating their joint achievement. I needed to see that there may be some hope for us, after-all.

Someday, I really want to look back at my own 'team' of dissociated emotions, images and unique perspectives and celebrate my own team's brilliance and amazing accomplishments.  Anyone with Trauma/Dissociative Symptoms has damn well worked hard enough for us to celebrate our resilience and our own 'engineering' achievements. 

Monday Meeting Madness

At work today I attended an in-service training on autistic spectrum disorders. During the presentation my ‘terror’ part was screaming on the inside and repeating in a panic, his usual mantra “please don’t kill me, I’m just a little boy!” and I felt ‘terror’s’ desperate need to hide under the conference table in the fetal position, (of course I didn’t scream or hide, but I just sat there).  At other times, I had to suppress an urge to gently poke my arm w/ my pen – not because of any major rage driven self-harmful gesture, it was more like a grounding attempt (which I didn't do that either).  So I ended up blinking really hard every so often as a way to keep myself together and not ruin my career by becoming a screaming, under-the-desk-hiding-arm-poker-with-a-pen. And at other times I was 'Dr-J' who was following along the w/ the speaker’s slides, making logical notes on my handout and understood every bit about the diagnostic markers, best practice treatment considerations and family supports needed for children w/ autistic spectrum disorders – I recognized 'Little-J' felt very sad and wanted to cry about how limited the services are for children w/ autistic spectrum disorders and I was aware of 'Jeff' who was very angry and cynical  about how it seems to him that only wealthy families of autistic children could ever get the support their children needed.  And still at other times, I had to squeeze my pen really hard bc I noticed my hands were shaking. All this cycling and switching back-&-forth during a 90 minute presentation. [WTF is happening to my life?]

Even though this kind of multiplicity during my everyday life is not unusual for me. I felt a sense of fear and sadness (especially about the pen-arm-poking thing) bc that IS unusual. I do not entertain thoughts of self-harm, I Love my wife and family and yes, even myself too much for that. But "where the hell did that come from?" was the unanswered question which un-nerves me. 

Minutes after the meeting, I got a phone call from my upset-wifey who is struggling in her job, too (bc nurse assistants everywhere are asked to carry unethical patient loads) – so I didn’t mention any of my own stuff to her; instead I listened to wifey and gave her boatloads of empathy & reassurance. Then I had to find time for a few deep breaths and to try and stop shaking and focus enough to try to accomplish enough productivity to keep my own job.  I NEED A MIRACLE !!! ... Living with the unending financial stressors of not having enough ... Working with the fear of not being productive enough ... Struggling to keep my parts from making it all come crashing down ... and losing my career, and further financially burdening my family ...  And knowing damn well what I need as far as treatment, but not being able to afford it, SUX !!!

Baking a frozen pizza for dinner. And since there's a thunderstorm outside I knew the pool at the YMCA would be closed, so I didn't even bother trying to swim when I drove home, after a 10.5 hour day bc it took me that long to make my productivity numbers.  

Does this story sound familiar to anyone else coping with a trauma history through dissociative symptoms?

Let's All Swim and Have Some Fun

Quick Summary of Therapy Today

Therapy today:

• I discussed more of the conversations and insights I am gaining from my parts and clarified more about some of my parts which have been telling me about themselves.  
• There was more discussion of the culture of my parents' church which I attended as a child and how the church was such a catalyst for dissociation when things were so surreal there.
• My therapist discussed more about how I don't seem ready to acknowledge yet how everything I have been through is an impactful story.
• I discussed how my focus has been more on accepting myself as having parts and being 'gentler' (therapist's term) with them.
• And I agreed how I really am not ready yet to delve into her astonishment that I have managed to function so well for so long ... bc  ...
• I want to get my 'team' working together, first
• I don't want to just open up a part and then have to abruptly reground myself to be able to safely drive home
• Am I ready to accept that I really am pretty damn amazing but that being amazing was in the contrast of some very uncomfortable images, body feelings and emotions. 

 

100s

I got to swim today. And I was feeling pretty adventurous so I decided to forgo my usual steady paced 1000 yds (20 laps) or my even slower paced mile swim (36 laps) and instead I set out to do sprints. 

Ok, so I have never swam competitively and in fact I was not even remotely in-shape or athletically inclined until around 2002 when I joined the YMCA as a way to work through my first phase of acknowledgement and treatment of Dissociative symptoms. 

By the time I met and started dating my wonderful wife, in January of 2006, I had worked up to swimming 3x/week and running about 4 miles 2x/week. I had run so many 5k races I literally have no idea how many I did, and I had run about 10 10k races (my closet was bursting w/ those t-shirts you get from each race).  And I was playing indoor and beach volleyball w/ a recreation league. I never won a race outright (my best finish was 19th). Although I did have the cool experience of spiking a championship winning kill shot in an indoor volleyball tournament [funny DID note, I wasn't even aware of the score of the game and I didn't 'get it' right away that I had just won our team the championship]. Here's my point: sports and exercise has been more about the quality of the experience, and focusing on doing a good serve, a good flip-turn, a good push at the last 100 yds of a run, than about the score. I find a rhythm well within my limits and stick to it. 

So today was unusual in that I decided to really push myself. In a 25yd pool like at the YMCA, swimming 100s means up & back 2x (Its on my bucket-list to one day swim in a 50 meter pool like the Olympic athletes, just to see how I do).  I was going like gang-busters at first. I copied the flip-turn style of the Olympian swimmers and delayed righting myself after kicking off the wall and I even incorporated the underwater dolphin kick for a bit before breaking the surface into my freestyle stroke (the stoke I do 95% of the time). After a set I would catch my breath for almost a minute and go again. Holy crap that wears you out !!  By the third set I was dragging and by the end of the fourth set I had to change my breathing to every stroke to finish the last length. I had to break for a bit more between the 4th and 5th sets because I had my heart rate up to 200 bpm which is pushing it. Then it hit me that I had forgotten to eat lunch and all of this physical effort done around 3:30 in the afternoon was fueled by only a bagel w/ peanut-butter & honey which I had for breakfast [another funny DID note, forgetting to eat!]. So if I do 100 sprints again I'll make a personal note to eat and hydrate well before I set out.

It felt so good to push my body and to realize I AM STILL ALIVE and I MADE IT THROUGH and my body had the gasping-for-breath and a sore left shoulder to prove it.

So what’s my point? Its Simple, I just realized ... I have a story to tell ... That's it.  

But in a world dominated by my dissociative symptoms, where I feel so behind and feel so immature and feel so unable to share what my weekend really was like ... its nice to have something to share when I go back to work on Monday. Because I'm sure not going to share about the nightmare that woke me up early this morning, or share about how I worry that I responded to another DID blog with a very lengthy comment and I hope I didn't come off as selfish, or share about how one of my parts (Montreal) has decided to communicate in a near perfect British accent and that I was amazed at how I could switch from my usual southern drawl so effortlessly.

Hello 3.0 Meet My System ** May Trigger **

A List of My Parts and their roles, beliefs & needs.
 
Click Here

(Comments Welcomed)

Yardwork + Dogs' Baths + Housework = Tired.

I hope all the weekend activity will allow me to fall asleep and stay asleep.  

I was conversing w/ Montreal* and other parts while mowing the grass. So in my funny little way I do try to attend to my inner world. It took over 2hrs in the heat and humidity to finish our back & front yards bc I have to mow around bushes, gardens, ect. I must have sweat off like 4lbs. Earlier in the day my wife gave each of our three dogs a bath, while I helped corral them and dried them off. I firmly believe dogs have souls. 

Had to referee an argument between step-daughter and her mother (basic teenage-girl backtalk stuff). I really don't like & struggle w/ being around conflict but I can see that I am getting a little better at being appropriately assertive vs. just checking out and going into my deer-in-the-headlights mode.  I started vacuming the house and my wife offered to help and ... I let her help!  Whew; I am Tired & Thirsty. Time to get some water and then go to bed.  *I have a couple of days off this week so maybe I'll have a chance to introduce 'everyone'.

Silence

Just a moment of silence for victims, families, law-enforcement & medical first-responders, associated with the Aurora, Colorado event.

The 1-Second Bliss of Flip-Turns

Yea ... I got to swim today after work-then-therapy! I did 1000 yds (20 laps) and a few of my flip-turns were magical things of beauty ... I absolutely adore that 1-second in time when I am looking up the surface of the water from upside down ... I can't explain why and none of my parts can either, but that 1-second of upside-down-looking-up perspective is like when I get to let every care and worry go and just 'be'. Then I kick off the wall and right myself and its another 25yds of rhythmic strokes and breathing from each side until ... Yea I get to do another flip-turn.  btw I have never swam competitively, but I have taken Advance Lifesaving a few x.

Sad Little-J gets his Tweet erased

I felt 'Little' and Sad much of today. I started a tweet about my 'Little-J' feeling disappointed that we couldn't afford Inpt or IOP bc Little-J really wanted to be able to come out and be free from observing family or co-workers to 'be little' and talk .. at one point I wrote what Little-J said "No ones coming to help, are they?" but I erased my tweet and didn't send it. I reeled in those Little-J thoughts and feelings as I  realized my family needs me to be an adult since my 14y stepdaughter is struggling w/ completing her (summer) school work (bc she failed Spanish) and if not closely supervised (by a Confrontational adult), she will smile and lie about completing work which she hasn't touched. 

So once again I am in a family system where I have to shut down and not share my own thoughts and feelings in order to keep the status-quo and shield the other family members from the weight of my story. I almost (in a weird way) wish I was not so co-conscious and could just go and have my mini-break down. But nope, I keep on moving and trying not to upset anyone else w/ my own issues and needs.


I finished the Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation (MID) today. It has over 200 questions and seemed more comprehensive and less vague than the DES-II which I attempted earlier in the week.


So, I am left questioning, ever questioning ... did I do the healthy thing and "regulate my emotions" or did I ignore (again) a Sad, and too-patient Little Boy by robbing him of his voice when I erased my tweet? 

I haven't swam since the weekend; quite sucky. 


Time to get ready for bed. 

Techno Dancing with My Brains & DID Instruments

More strategic stuff in therapy today. I took the Dissociative Experiences Scale DES-II, what a sucky measurement instrument! It seemed like I had execeptions-to-the-rule for every ambiguous frustrating question. No wonder this diagnosis is mocked by so many. 

Starting late last week, I have been intrigued by the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza, I am intrigued by his discussion of the 3 kinds of Brains we all have. Last week in therapy I clarified more of the map of my parts and their roles & themes. My therapist wisely noted my parts seemed to be aligned w/ either the left or right brain hemispheres. But I am taking that a step further and pondering which parts/levels of my brain my parts are associated w/ the "Thinking", "Limbic-FEELING", and "Autonomic-Reptillian-FREEZE-Response" brains. I believe that my experiences of abuse were improperly sensated, emoted, and left w/out much for the frontal cortex to derive meaning and direction from.  So I now believe that in order to make progress I will need to return to the FEELINGS of my parts and the FREEZE (helplessness).

Over this past weekend, on Netflix I discovered a video of a Deadmau-5 concert. I Love Techno Music .. its like an ADHD kid's dream w/ the music & light show.  And Yes - even though I am closer to 50 than 40, I still hopped & danced in our living room since my wife was at work and my stepdaughter was at her biological dad's house. That's a kinda cool thing about DD-NOS/DID, you still get to have "kid-fun".

Saturday I swam w/out counting laps. How awesome to be buoyant and moving but w/out having to meet any expectation of numbers. It was what I call a good "Right Brain" swim. After a short break I did 1-lap sprints, but again I wasn't watching my times .. I was just enjoying being alive in my body, in the water. 

Tomorrow I will do an internet search for other measures for Dissociative Sx and Complex PTSD.

Acceptance, Details and Strategy

Therapy today was about a strategy session. (a) what is going on re: the debt front (b) assessing just how much are my Sx interfering in everyday life (c) is a higher level of care (which would be quite an expense) the best option (d) how to best proceed w/ the given $ limitations (e) acceptance.  


It has been one challenging year. About this time last year my therapist and I were working on preparing me to return to my home town for my Grandmother's 100th birthday. Family & friends were coming from all over the country. I had been anxious for months ahead of time bc my grandmother's party would be held at the very same church where ... I had many, many bad experiences.


It was good for my therapist to review w/ me what I have experienced w/in this past year. I have had increased nightmares. Times when I was so tired from not sleeping that driving to & from work was scary.  Times when my work productivity sucked so bad I had to disclose some of my trauma Hx to preserve my job.  Times when I would sit at my desk and feel "Little" and have to stare at my computer until I remembered what the next step was supposed to be and to re-re-re-check my work to ensure I hadn't missed anything. Times when my father-in-law's behavior needed to be confronted-which was triggering. This whole year of the Jerry Sandusky arrest, trial testimony and now the scandal of wilful disregard by Penn State administrators has impacted me more than I thought possible. Especially in light of the disregard I received from the church leadership when I reached out w/ my story. And here more lately, times when I have been more aware of switches and changes w/in my system. "Rolodexing" as another DID blogger I follow would describe it.


Acceptance ... accepting that I thought I had put all this behind me (like 10 freaking years ago) but that it never was completely resolved. Back 10 years ago, I didn't blog but I wrote extensively for almost a year in a journal. I wrote piece after piece on my feelings in a forum called The Wounded Healer Journal and another forum MaleSurvivor. I learned about DID and dialogued w/ parts, I wrote about my anxiety, my anger, my developing self-esteem. And I moved on w/ my life.  I spoke in therapy today remembering (w/ some level of grief) about how when I first met and dated my wonderful, beautiful-heart wife in 2006, it was if I never had a traumatic past at all.


Acceptance ... accepting that I am not doing so well. Accepting that even though I appeared to have made significant progress towards integration ... my parts are back and w/ a heightened urgency to each perform their roles and to move me towards an epic battle w/ my past.  I don't like fighting and I view violence as a sign of weakness (bc you failed to out-smart your opponent). But the storm clouds are gathering and I must accept that in order to move forward, I have to go backwards into my DD-NOS system to summon my 'team' for the coming confrontation with whatever each part has held on to-so I could go on and function.


Acceptance ... accepting that what I endured, what caused my brain to form completely separated neural networks for the images and emotions I was subjected to - was pretty F'd up. 


Acceptance ...accepting that I am still alive and even though I may be slower, less emotionally mature, less financially stable, that I have the kind of resilience that made my therapist's jaw drop as she began to get more of the details from my journal. I read a section of my journal from 2002 about how my system has organized itself around protecting me from the details of a series of specific events. When I looked up from reading my therapist appeared ashen and emoting from some of the content. My 'Dr. J' part was forward at the time so to me, it was just clinical data. But somewhere inside I knew I should appreciate the magnitude of what I endured and what I have managed to accomplish (and avoid) in spite of my childhood.


So the plan is to up the frequency of sessions to 2x/week for a short time. And to begin exploring some augmented EMDR as a means of letting 'Little J' share his stories and his damned up emotions. Even though I have an abusive part, I know what it's agenda is and I can see through it's manipulative messages, and so I have no concerns about safety or irresponsible behavior. I am not letting that Gdamn priest steal my present or my future from me. 


Acceptance ... accepting that I will most likely have nightmares tonight which I will not remember much of (If I'm lucky) when I wake up. Accepting as I realize I didn't minimize anything in therapy today, nor did I try to over-intellectualize or let 'Zen' put some spin on it. Nope, I shared my honest history and concerns about my future. And since the whole point of Dissociation is "Anywhere But Here" talking about myself in a manner so 'unedited', for me was pretty F'ing courageous.


That's plenty for now.






     

'Zen' Looks for a Quantum Leap

Today I was thinking about my upcoming therapy appt tomorrow  …  I tend to ponder and grow anxious days ahead of the significant appts. I was in a ‘Zen’ state of mind much of today – which means my attention was directed to big possibilities within a responsive universe and having good things orchestrated to me by a benevolent Higher Power. So after listening to the audio book recording of Carl Sagan’s “Contact” I meandered on Amazon, looking for new books in the New-Age/Self-Help neighborhood (just yesterday I was in ‘Dr J’ mode and searching for books and research journal articles on DID Tx). 

All of sudden it occurred to me that I was searching for some quantum leap treatment vehicle to accelerate my resolution of my past and (here’s the key) to AVOID delving into my ‘Terrorized-Little J’s’ story and emotions. And I asked 'Zen' are you in on this too? … And Zen replied "I am trying to attract a miracle to prove I can do it; and I want to bring ‘Terrorized Little J’ his long overdue Joy and Deep Spiritual Exhale, sooner". 

Noble intentions, indeed. But I feel a stronger resolve that ‘Terrorized Little J’ is desperate to get the attention and opportunity to share things which he has held onto for decades. And any miracle I might attract would be incomplete without having honored my past self by caring enough to be present with ‘Terrorized Little J’ and to be present with whatever memory fragments, narratives and emotions, being held back there which are damning up my past and interfering with my present and my future. 

ISST-D & Beginning to Prepare for Memory Work

Spent some time today reading through the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISST-D) Treatment Guidelines for Adults. My 'take-away' was that I seem to be moving towards Phase-2 of Treatment. Which is about "Confronting, Working Through, and Integrating Traumatic Memories" (p 142). Maybe if I knew more, I'd know to be worried. But actually I have a sort of a sense of being on safari when I think of going-in to the jungle of dendrites, axonal fibers, and synaptic connections* in search of this mystic place which is my childhood. Those clinical neurological terms are holding the memory fragments of images, threats, and body feelings which I will be assembling into damned up emotions so as to release them, which may turn out to be disturbing. But I have a determination to reach back in time to help my little terrified self by allowing me to tell what I have held onto for so long and I have my wife and step-daughter as my support and motivation to 'just keep swimming'.**  It's the girls' night out, so I'm making pasta & chicken w/ Sun-Dried Tomato Alfredo sauce (from a jar) for dinner.  ***

*     The "Dr.J" part of me gravitates towards the science.

**   The "Zen" part of me loves to speak of optimism and hope.

***  The part of me named "Montreal" is creative and loves to cook.

(there are some other parts who may introduce themselves later on) 

I have a pretty good "team" if I do say so, myself.

Hello 2.0

More about me. I'm in the fourth-quarter of my 40s and I have a Hx of multiple traumas from an early age. Lately I have been pondering how my young brain's development and functioning was affected.  My amygdala and hippocampus were consistently awash in stress related neuro-chemistry and thus I was wired early on to space-out, check-out and dissociate under a wide range of contexts.  My therapist has said she is surprised I am functioning as well as I have been. 

Much of my memory is just a bucket of memory fragments from earlier childhood, before the ‘known’ traumas arrived. During my MSW and most of my career I steered my training and my work towards childhood trauma. As if I was trying to educate myself about myself.  I am blessed to have never had any self-harmful Bx. But it is a cruel irony that I am smart enough to describe the brain functioning associated w/ Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and yet sometimes feel ‘taken over’ by my foggy montage of scary memory video-clips, and to feel ‘little’ and helpless. I lose time in a spacey sort of manner but don’t seem to completely lose present-moment consciousness when I switch. 

I once broke my finger playing basketball and kept on playing for another 15 minutes - not bc I was super tough - it was bc I dissociated and didn’t notice the pain. I did not have a compound fracture but it wasn't until I jumped to get a rebound and in mid-air, I saw my bone poking up where it shouldn't, then it finally hit me that I was injured. And yet that same keep-on-plodding and never-admit-pain-or-need attitude has negatively financially impacted the very family I am so grateful to have. And I will not allow the past to steal from my present or my future any longer. I worry about being able to maintain the professional license I worked my ass off to attain. As far as I am aware I have about 8 parts which are more diffuse than concrete. Many other DID folks I know of have intricately more detailed inner lives for their parts, than I do. So I am confused about which direction to go in … (a) to attempt to learn skills to calm down and move on in a more ‘integrated’ manner or (b) to sort of go backwards and begin specific dialogues w/ some of the more traumatized parts to assemble meaning to the huge gap in my childhood-I have only limited memory fragments for like the first 9 years of my life-as if I was beamed into the world Star Trek style already in the 3rd grade.

I have managed to forge on w/ this as best as I could for years. I have a beautiful, beautiful wife w/ a beautiful heart, who I didn’t meet until I was 41. I have a wonderful 14y stepdaughter who is artsy and insightful. And we have 3 dogs who are wise, soulful and teachers each in their unique ways. Sometimes I thrash around so much w/ nightmares my wife has to move to another room to sleep. I have a skilled therapist who is knowledgeable about DD-NOS and trauma. In the past I have been ‘smarter’ than my other therapists, and I have a part which would come forward and ‘talk shop’ instead of talking about my traumas.

My next Thpy appt is on Thu 07/12/12, it will be 90-min'er bc it will be a strategy session ...  How bad off am I really? & What to do next? My experiences of feeling small and helpless and other flashbacks are intruding more and more often.  

I called in sick to work last Friday morning bc I had a flashback of something I had totally forgotten about which I witnessed back around 1974!   I literally felt sick to my stomach but after I gathered myself together the only thing I could think of to do w/ all of my angst-energy was read 3 scientific journal articles on DID (to prove to myself I'm not crazy), and then go to the YMCA and swim a mile and change and run 4 miles in the 95-degree heat [my wife was Not pleased]. But I take super-major care to be stretched and well-hydrated and to slow down & drink fluids that I take running w/ me as I need to, besides physical movement is like the only thing these days that gets me out of my head. One hellluva digression there  .. 

Anyway, I feel my murky past and terrorized Littles' damned up and unheard emotions and stories deserve their time, since my DD-NOS has devised and enacted gazillions of ways to appear normal and not "go there". And since I am having the memory fragments, flashbacks, inner chatter, and nightmares anyway, I wish I could dive into to some intensive work ...  Bc I am actually worried these symptoms will be absorbed back into my consciousness and still affect my frozen-in-place life, but w/out me having had a chance to make progress w/ them.

Things That Make Me Smile

• Being w/ my Beautiful, Beautiful Wife  (no really ... every single day she makes me laugh) 
• Listening to my stepdaughter's laughter
• Playing with Our 3 Dogs
• Being in the water  (pool, lake, ocean, shower, ect.)
• Swimming Laps
• Running 
  
• Football
• Soccer
• Lacrosse 
• Pizza  (no olives or other weird toppings)
• Chips & Salsa
• Coca-Cola
• Cherry-Lemon Sundrop  (its a southern thing) 
• Gummy Lifesavers
• Peanut Butter and Marshmallow Cream sandwhiches
• Samuel Adams Light Beer
• NY Strip Steaks off the grill w/ Mashed Potatoes
• Corn-on-the-Cob w/ Old-Bay Seasoning  (its a Chesapeake Bay thing)
• Anything Blueberry  (I once made pasta salad w/ blueberries & yogurt) 
• Electric Cars
• NASA's Mars Rovers  (a new one is due to land in early Aug-2012)   
• Ubuntu Linux Operating System
• TwiT.tv
• Weather Geek  (too much math was required to be a real meteorologist)
• Legos
• DJ Miss Nine  (techno music)
• Pink Martini music  (I sang 1 of their songs in Italian to my wife when we were dating) 
• The New York Times
• The LA Times
• Watching YouTube videos of returning Veterans surprising their loved ones
• New-Age, Law of Attraction kind of stuff  
• Encouraging Others

Hello

I am a complete newb at blogging and social media. But I wanted to try it out and to create a space where I can post my thoughts and feelings as I work through a boatload of past 'stuff'. So I will spend some time wandering around here to try and learn how to put in pictures and links, ect.