Today I was thinking about my upcoming therapy appt tomorrow … I tend to ponder and grow anxious days ahead of the significant appts. I was in a ‘Zen’ state of mind much of today – which means my attention was directed to big possibilities within a responsive universe and having good things orchestrated to me by a benevolent Higher Power. So after listening to the audio book recording of Carl Sagan’s “Contact” I meandered on Amazon, looking for new books in the New-Age/Self-Help neighborhood (just yesterday I was in ‘Dr J’ mode and searching for books and research journal articles on DID Tx).
All of sudden it occurred to me that I was searching for some quantum leap treatment vehicle to accelerate my resolution of my past and (here’s the key) to AVOID delving into my ‘Terrorized-Little J’s’ story and emotions. And I asked 'Zen' are you in on this too? … And Zen replied "I am trying to attract a miracle to prove I can do it; and I want to bring ‘Terrorized Little J’ his long overdue Joy and Deep Spiritual Exhale, sooner".
Noble intentions, indeed. But I feel a stronger resolve that ‘Terrorized Little J’ is desperate to get the attention and opportunity to share things which he has held onto for decades. And any miracle I might attract would be incomplete without having honored my past self by caring enough to be present with ‘Terrorized Little J’ and to be present with whatever memory fragments, narratives and emotions, being held back there which are damning up my past and interfering with my present and my future.