Today I was thinking about my upcoming therapy appt tomorrow … I
tend to ponder and grow anxious days ahead of the significant appts. I
was in a ‘Zen’ state of mind much of today – which means my attention
was directed to big possibilities within a responsive universe and having good things
orchestrated to me by a benevolent Higher Power. So after listening to the
audio book recording of Carl Sagan’s “Contact” I meandered on Amazon,
looking for new books in the New-Age/Self-Help neighborhood (just
yesterday I was in ‘Dr J’ mode and searching for books and research
journal articles on DID Tx).
All of sudden it occurred to me that I was
searching for some quantum leap treatment vehicle to accelerate my
resolution of my past and (here’s the key) to AVOID delving into my
‘Terrorized-Little J’s’ story
and emotions. And I asked 'Zen' are you in on this too? … And Zen replied "I am trying to attract a miracle to prove I can do it; and I want to bring ‘Terrorized Little J’ his long overdue Joy and Deep
Spiritual Exhale, sooner".
Noble intentions, indeed. But I feel a
stronger resolve that ‘Terrorized Little J’ is desperate to get the
attention and opportunity to share things which he has held onto for
decades. And any miracle I might attract would be incomplete without
having honored my past self by caring enough to be present with
‘Terrorized Little J’ and to be present with whatever memory fragments,
narratives and emotions, being held back there which are damning up my
past and interfering with my present and my future.
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